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How Can I Mentor My Daughter?Shelley NoonanMentoring Your Daughter November 19,1982 was the first time I held in my arms the most beautiful baby girl I had ever seen. Oh, how my heart ached because in her attentive blue eyes I saw an unfocused trust and a swerving gaze that told me she depended on me. Depend on me? You see, I was a 21-year-old new wife and an even newer mother. I barely knew how to cook a decent meal and my husband was teaching me how to shop for groceries…repeatedly! And yet, here in my arms I had this precious responsibility that God had graciously given to us. I suppose none of us are ever prepared for the amazing responsibility and privilege it is to raise a daughter. Perhaps you were like me and realized early on what you didn’t want to be like. I didn’t want to work outside the home; I didn’t want to be crabby or demanding with my daughter. I didn’t want to send her to a baby sitter. I didn’t want someone else to take my place. I longed to be a mommy that would teach my daughter how to sew, cook, plan a menu and learn how to love and honor her husband. I wanted her to be able to giggle ‘till tears ran over some little nonsense. I wanted to hold her and protect her but I wanted to make her strong enough to fly. I wanted her to be a woman that was filled with grace. I wanted her to read good books, to know that she could have boys that were friends, and that she deserved a man who loved her for who she was created to be. I wanted to teach her that her attitude was a choice! And most importantly, I wanted her know her Savior, and to be able to talk to Him and know that He would be there even when I was not. My heart ached that day not only because of the immense love I felt for her, but also because I had no tools, no experience to guide her into the way she should go. Some of you have been blessed to have mothers who were good role models to follow. Some of you were not. Let, me encourage you, even if you didn’t have a role model you can still mentor your daughters. May I be even more blunt? Even if you didn’t have a mother that nurtured you and wisely counseled you…there is no excuse not to give this gift to your daughter. In giving her the gift of time…. you will be giving a present to yourself as well. Right now I can almost hear you asking me HOW do I get enough time to mentor my daughter? Did you know the average lifespan is 25,550 days? We are each given more or less 612,000 hours or 36,720,000 minutes in which to live our lives. Another way to put it is that time is a currency that we choose to spend the way we want. We all are given basically the same amount but the key is how we make use or allocate the time we are given. My husband I home schooled our three children for 13 years and I must admit to you that I have not always used my time wisely. Tasks had a way of ruling my life. My children and I ran a used homeschool book business for 11 of the 13 years. During that time I worked part time as a nurse in a nursing home, home health care and hospice. My days were planned down to the minute! Time had a way of dictating everything I did. My focus for ordering our days was on the tasks that needed to be accomplished. There was schoolwork, music lessons, housework, business, lawn mowing, gardening, Awana verses, Sunday School lessons, worship music to practice, our farm animals to tend, and 4-H projects. Whew! I get tired just writing this list down! I sometimes made the mistake of getting so carried away with the tasks that had to be done that I forgot to love, gently teach, and grow in my relationship with my daughter. Busyness tends to interfere with the mentoring process. Dear mother, are you one who can identify with what I have described and feel as if you cannot squeeze out one more minute in your already hectic day? My first suggestion to you in regard to the time you choose to spend mentoring you daughter is very simple. Plan a time. Proverbs 14:22b states, “Those who plan what is good find love and faithfulness.” The second question that begs to be answered is WHAT do I teach as I mentor my daughter? You may choose to use a book with outlined materials or perhaps you would like to make a list of issues, goals, projects, and subjects that you want her to know. No matter what method you choose, mentoring your daughter takes time. Here are four elements that can guide you in what you teach during your T-I-M-E together. The first of the four elements in “T-I-M-E” is “T” for transparency To be transparent means to live in such a way that your daughters can see the struggles in your life and how God is using it for your good. Romans 8:28(?) Often times, as mothers, we want to put on a front or hide what God is doing in our lives so that others won’t hurt us. But God is a very efficient God. Our daughters can also learn the lessons He teaches us if we are courageous enough for them to see His hand in our lives. The second element in “T-I-M-E” is “I” for Intimacy. Intimacy means being a close acquaintance, a confidant, someone to whom private matters are confided. Anne of Greene Gables would describe an intimate friend as a “ bosom buddy”. What kind of relationship do you have with your daughter? What kind would you like to have with her? Would she consider you a close friend? Maybe you have a tumultuous relationship. Perhaps you aren’t’ like two pea in a pod but more like night and day. If your relationship with your daughter is difficult do not despair! God is the mender of the broken places and the rebuilder of relationships. Trust Him to hear your prayers and give your daughter to Him for His purposes and His power. Intimacy is birthed from transparency. As in any relationship the best way you can get closer to someone is by allowing them to see your heart, your struggles, and your triumphs. You have to have a relationship with someone in order to be intimately acquainted with him or her. The third element in “T-I-M-E” is “M” for Meaningful. The process is to have meaning function or purpose. The time we spend mentoring, teaching, and counseling our daughters should be fraught with meaning! Let’s say you choose to spend your time together shopping. You have the opportunity to teach her fashion rules you might have learned from your mother like…. NO WHITE SHOES AFTER LABOR DAY NEVER WEAR BLACK TO A WEDDING ALWAYS WEAR CLEAN UNDERWARE or you can teach her things that are ETERNALLY significant. There are four areas to consider when mentoring your daughter. Each of these areas covers a multitude of godly qualities and patterns you want to impress upon your daughter’s life. Managing her life. This is where you can explore her career goals, dreams, and ideals. You can encourage her in these areas. Also, you can open up the most important and tricky area for attitude, what is a good attitude and how to maintain a cheerful heart. Managing her relationships to others. Talk about how one chooses a friend and what makes a good friend. This is the area you can start to lay out your family’s expectations in regard to her future husband. Managing a home. Today, home management is not being taught in our schools and yet, it is so important. Guide your daughter in the art of home making. Teach her how to grocery shop, plan a weekly menu, do laundry, how to organize her younger brothers or sisters to do chores, and ways to decorate a room. Managing her spiritual life. Does she know Jesus as her savior? Teach her how to feed her soul on the Word of God. How to talk to her Father in Heaven through prayer…How to guard her heart and deal with sin. Does she know how to set up and maintain the discipline of quiet time? The fourth and final element in “T-I-M-E” is “E” for Enjoyable. For something to be enjoyable it must be a pleasurable or satisfying time. I think Mary Poppins said it best when she sang, “Just a spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down!” Mother, you know your daughter better than anyone else…you know what she likes, what she hates, what she enjoys! It is your job to create an enjoyable atmosphere for this learning to take place. Perhaps she enjoys a good cup of tea while you read to her or maybe she enjoys a brisk game of volleyball before you begin your special time together. There is no right or wrong way to do this. Just make it fun for both of you Remember, mentoring is not so much an event but rather a life long process. The best mentoring curriculum takes place in the every day occurrences of your lives. Mentoring is all about your relationship with your daughter. It's about transparency, about intimacy, Back to Articles Page |
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